APPROX READ: 10 MIN
TRIGGER WARNING: suicide, self-harm, depression, addiction, identity
You will notice I use a “nom de plume,” French for “pen name.” With that said, you can call me Emriyus. The name I use for all my written work. A name (word) I created within in my initials, K.E.W.B. You will find this on all my artwork. Any art that is not mine, I will cite and credit the artist. A lot has happened in my life of 19 years that led me to create my own blog. As an artist, it is my biggest accomplishment in a long awaited while. Writing is a form of art to me, as is drawing, painting or music. The passion and desire to create something, even words, can be visual art. Before I went further in depth about myself, I wanted to get this little blurb out of the way.
Years before I ever thought of pursuing my passion for writing, I had always thought of using a different name… in more ways than you would think. I’m not sure when would be a good time to say that I am a transgender. Although I am against labels, I would prefer human being. But in feeling the way that I do, I did not feel connected to the name I was given. Most people who identify with that label have a ‘deadname’ which they were given at birth, associated with their sex at birth. This name is never talked about, as the person chooses a name to go by that doesn’t trigger their traumas and makes them feel more comfortable in their own skin.
Though it is important to come out in a world that is not so familiar with the trans experience I was hesitant and believed no one would understand how I felt… let’s be honest. You are most likely not trans reading this. Even if you happen to be, I can guarantee as similar as our experiences may be in this world as a minority… overall we are very different from each other, in our own unique way.
I chose the name Emriyus for the very uniqueness it carries and the personal meaning it holds to me as I created it by accident when I was writing one day. I didn’t have the chance to write a lot in my younger years although I wanted to. As my life spiraled out of control the older I got, I was required — forced — to be in a hospital, alone with my thoughts. I started writing again. At first, I developed characters for stories I was writing that related to my life. I played with a lot of reality fiction to distract me from my reality. Creating all these characters that represented people in my own life. This led me to create an alter-ego for myself. Creating Emriyus was a way to help me express my pain in a healthier way.
Looking back now, I see that creation as my first step to changing my way of living. Creating something when I felt nothing. I began writing more each day I spent in that hospital ‘trying’ to get better. In the moment I’m not even sure I was thinking about how healthy writing is to cope. I started doing it because I loved it, I still do to this day prefer my favorite book and pen over a group of people.
In a hospital the things I thought I should do to myself were not an option. The thought of harming myself in my hospital room was immense. The staff did not like me and treated me different from the rest when I showed no signs of harming others. I had nothing to do in my room but write, draw and on the rare occasion listen to music when I could get the shitty mp3 player they let us use. Only, and only if we were considered ‘stable.’ The hospitalized way of saying, we trust you won’t harm yourself or others with this device.
Since I rarely got the mp3 player, I started creating insane, rather trippy doodles for a 14-year-old. I began to realize I was losing my mind in there. I kept writing. Counting the minutes that passed since I asked to use the bathroom, the nurse I had didn’t like me did not let me go. I assumed it was because I had a preferred name and dressed more masculine than the other ‘girls’ that were hospitalized in the same wing she covered. It was unforeseen… that the very moment I lost my mind, I was finding out who I was, who I am. Although, I still don’t know who I am, I have a better understanding of my existence than I did 5 years ago. I’m sure you do as well. This can be an example of why existentialists believe experiences shape our meaning of life.
When I realized there is a way humans put who we are into words, by naming and labelling ourselves. I came up with four names for myself during my traumatic transition, creating the initials, K.E.W.B.
Falling under a “nom de plume,” helped me realize that not everyone is perfect. We are alike, always trying to be something that we are not. That’s what humans do. We hope one day to be the person we’ve always ‘dreamed’ of, but the reality is we don’t know if that will ever happen unless we take action. Be with what already is. Those who haven’t learned how to be, blame other people for why their own lives aren’t going well. Refusing to look within themselves to find a solution to their problems. The problem of loving yourself for who you are — in the present — is the hardest to solve. Every human being will question themselves at one — or many more — point(s) in their lifetime, no matter what they’ve experienced; they are human.
Unlike ‘the average teenager,’ I had a different set of problems in my early years I had to face head-on. At a young age, my father figure had decided to step out of the picture. My mother figure didn’t last very long after that due to emotional distress she had begun to lose herself with the past. Although I still talk to her today when I feel I can handle it.
Growing up with one parent was difficult. She was coping in ways that have harmed me to a point of no return. After getting kicked out and allowed back many times, it was all too much for me to handle. The manipulation and psychological damage done is going to be a hard experience to bounce back from. A lot of recovery work on my part. So I decided what was best for me was to be my own parent and made the decision to move out at 16, when it was legal to find my own place.
Although I had somewhat of a traumatic upbringing throughout all my school years, I can recall good memories; the laughs, the stories heard and lessons I learned because of those crazy experiences. I can say with pride that I managed to graduate high school, after years of control and humiliation, I am free.
During the times I was present in school, many of the staff would ask me about my post-secondary plans, despite my bad grades. I had been against it until now.
I am looking into taking online writing courses to get a creative writing certificate. I would love to pursue my MA (Master of Arts Degree), but with a current pandemic and my view on the school systems, I’m not too eager to commit to the expense.
I’ve started with loving myself and realizing I don’t need to be ‘smart enough,’ that I am smart. I don’t need to have ‘enough money,’ there are alternative ways to learn lessons. My whole life I have struggled with the idea of loving myself, not just as a human being, but as an artist as well. It has been so hard to agree to this idea of loving myself; admitting that I deserve ‘true’ happiness after all I’ve been through takes time and practice. Not only admitting I deserve happiness, but to stop looking for it in other nouns (people, places, things) and start looking for it within myself. I try to ask myself,
- ‘What can I do to make myself happy? Is it reasonable?’
“We truly don’t know the answer to anything in this life, which is why we are constantly changing ourselves, changing our way of life.”emriyus, 2020
It wasn’t always this easy, most times it never is. It doesn’t get any easier and we can learn to embrace that struggle. To learn from our experiences is a challenge but I have found comfort in it. Being able to forgive myself has taken time and patience. Learning to be nice to myself was the hardest thing I’ve had to learn about life so far. If you really can’t master forgiving and being kind to yourself you will see how much that affects the people around you. The ones you may love the most may be affected by the lack of love you hold for yourself. Often times our first ever relationship is formed as a way to express love to others and we tend to forget about ourselves. This influxes family relationships as well. Degrading parents, aggressive siblings and broken homes can also effect the ways we learn about the world.
I still struggle with the idea of family, my own passions and life in its entire absurdity. I have learned to love all the parts of myself and continue to learn more every day. With everything that I’ve done in my lifetime, for the first time in a long time I’m the happiest I have ever felt. I finally have the time to focus my energy on my passions. Art being one in general, writing is something I’ve always tried to incorporate with my art.
Still having to work a full-time job to pay bills, working the night shifts has given me more opportunity to work on my blog. That’s my own personal benefit of being a night owl, and only needing 4-6 hours of solid sleep to function. I can write anything on my mind even if it’s not for my blog at all, I write for me. I have the time, and a new place that I can work in and share the space with another artist, my partner, that I absolutely adore, more on that in a future post.
Back to the idea of starting this blog, it all began with my interest in philosophy, my love for wisdom. Specifically existentialism and their recognized ‘founders,’ Søren Kierkegaard and Friedrich Nietzsche. Philosophy as a whole has inspired me to ‘follow my dreams.’ Snapping me out of the false reality I was living in and doing something to change my way of thinking about life. My love for existentialism goes beyond its beliefs, ideologies and theories. I am still learning more in my everyday life, giving me an urge to create a place to put all my work.
My soul purpose for creating this website was to have an artistic display of my works and an outlet to ‘release energy’ so I can create new things without worrying about losing my thoughts and ideas. It gives me a source of inspiration to keep going. To visually see my progress in my work.
You’ll find a variety of artwork by me on the website. I focus more on ‘blog posts’ written within the bubble of existentialism, having philosophy in mind when I write. Thinking about these strange, controversial topics makes me create my ‘weird’ art. You can find all the artwork on the portfolio page.
Regardless, starting my own website is something I didn’t see possible for a very long time and now that it is finally started, I have no excuse to stop following my passions… “I’m not good enough” won’t cut it anymore for me. Learning to love myself is a constant reminder that I deserve happiness as much as the next person does. You too.
All the images you see on the website will be from me, unless otherwise cited. You can find all the media linked here; the portfolio page where you can see all the artwork as I post over time. I’m excited to see where this website will take us as artists. Now that I have a creative outlet to put all my written works and art, it’s an accomplishment. Putting the website aside, we both love what we do. I love writing too much, which is why this is too long. If you didn’t find what you were looking for in this post visit the about page to see extra info; have any questions or comments feel free to contact me.
Thank you, fellow human, for supporting me. Your existence means more than you will think.
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