TRIGGER WARNING: relates to depression, suicidal thoughts and homelessness
I have this burning desire to move far away,
but I don’t have enough money and where would I stay?
This burning desire to leave everything I’ve known,
the tree on the corner I read under as a child, and the old shack of a house that I once called home.
This desire I can feel crawling under my skin, it sounds uncomfortable because it is.
Living in a state of oblivion, I am.
Now fighting this desire to move far away because something or someone has been pulling me in to stay.
I am neither here nor there, but stuck in between.
I drop to my knees in the middle of nowhere, letting my pain out in screams.
I am terrified, petrified, I don’t want to go on, but I will.
I will be living alive until I die, there’s no other way to know until it happens.
I feel my desires fight each other all the time,
because of this I know I am alive.
Because I can’t show how I feel,
the desire to run away from this feeling is far from unreal…
…unbelievable is the desire to stay because I know I am not happy, only content.
When I was young they told me to repent.
Alone I cry and think to myself why… am I doing this? This thing I am doing right now, why do it?
These burning desires I have slowly turned into nothingness,
my whole body going numb, quickly loosing consciousness.
Running from my problems I stopped in my tracks.
A fork in the road presented itself with no directions to follow, only the consequences lurking behind the choice I make.
It was hard for me to even get this far,
so I threw myself in the lake hoping the snakes in my life would disappear and the water would make me suffocate.
I was too late.
Something or someone had entered my life,
sparking the burning fire inside me that I can barely describe.
If I tried too I’d loose my mind, again.
And again, the burning pain of desire keeps me alive.
I still ask myself why I try,
Repeat to myself, do not cry
I’ve realized I’d rather be a sick joke than a twisted rhyme.
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The Buddha said that wisdom must come only from the abandonment of selfish craving… or desire. So the principal here is, if you want life don’t cling to it, let go. But the problem is, if I desire not to desire, is that not already desire? How can I desire not to desire? How can I surrender myself, when myself is precisely an urge to hold on. To cling.. to life; to continue to survive.The Buddha Said. Alan Watts, Akira The Don
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