D.O.U.B.T.

Doubt by definition is…

the lack of uncertainty or conviction.    (noun)
feel uncertain about; doubt, fear; be afraid. (verb)

I grew up doubting myself a lot.

If you’re reading this, I’m sure you’re human (if not; congrats?) because we all have this feeling of doubt at some point.

To this day I still doubt myself and everything I do in my life. It’s hard not to, although I’ve tried some coping mechanisms that help. I’ve also come up with “mottos” to get through doubt, by turning it into an acronym.

Decompress don’t stress.

Doubt is a dreadful feeling. Calming down and trying to relax helps and it’s hard to do that without thinking about it. If you don’t know, I have anger issues. A lot of people do, but I’ve found that with taking testosterone (transitioning) in general has messed with my mood. Especially because I have been so busy I miss shots which makes it unstable; for lack of a better word. Before saying anymore, decompressing, even thinking of things that make me calm down makes me relax a lot quicker than thinking about why I’m mad, etc.

Oxygen over everything.

This is a breathing reminder. It’s funny how we go most of our lives breathing without even thinking about it, but in some situations we forget how it all works in the first place; how do I breathe again? There is tons of different breathing techniques and methods out there that are recommended but they don’t work for everyone, obviously right? I’ve tried in for 8, out for 8, but it was too long for me. So I tried 4 and 4 but it wasn’t enough. Then I came across the 444 breathing technique AKA “Box Breathing” you can read more here. I’m not very good at remembering this in the heat of the moment and to be blunt it pisses me off. No matter how much I try to calm myself down in a situation I always end up leaving it completely; this is not how you handle any situation unless you’re life is in danger. Mine is not in these situations and I can admit it’s childish to leave in the middle of anything that’s important, something you care about. Oxygen over everything is something I want to practice more, remember to do and continue to do. I don’t want to be a runaway, just an outsider my whole life…

Understand

I really seem to have a hard time understanding other people. I thought I was good at it but I’ve messed up so many times with friendships, relationships, even with my own family I don’t think I’ll ever understand another human. Not completely anyhow. Is it even possible to understand someone else? I ask myself this a lot and never seem to come up with any good answer; the short answer is no, it’s not possible to completely understand another human. We try to relate to things, but really the only way to understand someone else is to ask. I will try to understand more through asking rather than assuming and jumping to conclusions.

Be nice.

Something my mother always told me but never listened to. I should have listened. I grew up angry and mean, holding all this resentment in me for years because of family traumas, etc. It’s never an excuse to hurt other people in any kind of way but I can’t seem to remember when I do. That scares me. I need to be nicer to people. Even if they don’t be nice back, it doesn’t matter how people treat me, I shouldn’t act out. At this point I think the only way to avoid acting out is isolating; staying away from everyone. I don’t have many people out there, but I know isolating is a death trap. It’s hard to get out a black hole that I’ve dug so deep. Being nice spares you time to get out of that black hole. As if spreading kindness when you’re at your lowest is what you want to be doing, it works in the worst way. It makes you feel good about yourself sometimes not even thinking about the other person; even if it benefits them too. Overall, if you’re nicer to people they are generally going to treat you nice. I need to get better at managing my anger, being nice to myself can also help me spread that kindness to others.

Training the brain keeps the plane moving

I wanted to just keep it at “train the brain” but adding “keeps the plane moving” is a reminder to me that life is also moving. To stay alive you have to keep moving forward, training the brain and learning new things does that. Staying alive for a long time takes work, a lot of people train their bodies to stay fit as they grow old. The hardest thing to train is your brain as you grow old. Constantly ridding yourself of old habits to keep up with new times.

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Published by emriyus

I am human, just like you. I have been around for almost 20 years and although it may not be a lot of time to some, it feels like I've been alive forever. To cope with all the things my life has given me; good and bad, I've always been a writer. Maybe I didn't know or necessarily want to be a writer, but I was always on the creative side, not really understanding how different I was from others; I'm really not that different from you. To this day I'm still eager to learn more about myself, to improve and grow amorphously. I want to use this fuel of constant self-discovery as the direct source of 'energy' that can create whatever I want it to, making writing for me a healthier coping mechanism than most I've tried in my lifetime. That being said, I believe that starting my blog, The Existentialist, (all thanks to Wordpress and Bluehost teams) I finally have the opportunity and creative outlet to unleash my passion for art; writing. The beginning is never easy, and it won't get much easier I am aware. I can only believe in myself and keep my expectations to a minimum; I like to believe I hold no expectations, but they seem unavoidable. To whoever reads this, I'm not one to care about views or reads, I won't encourage/pressure you to read my work because for me, the thrill really comes from just making a finished piece of work I'm happy with, regardless if it is read by others or not; judgement from others is what I've feared all my life. I can only encourage you to have an open mind as a reader and believe in me as much as I believe in myself to accumulate the courage to start showing my creative writing(art) to the world. Everybody creates things in their lifetime, I am just another one of those beings; whether you like it or not, nouns (persons, places and 'things') exist to teach us something about ourselves. There is always more to learn...

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